Fear of the Sexual Masculine, and the Protective Wall I have built.

I had a realisation last night… an integration… a click moment…. a deep reflection… of where I have been giving away my power and how that has showed up in my life. It would be a massive contributing factor to the dis-balance in my sacral chakra that has been manifesting in very demanding ways to get my attention the last few years.

It has been such a long journey for me. I can feel the weight of it now on my chest (which is a rare feeling for me to have). I have been carrying the weight of this protective armour FOR SO LONG without being entirely aware… and last night it clicked into place. 

I have always been intimidated by the sexual masculine, perpetuated by the social pressures of being a teenager, a college student, an attractive woman. A woman who likes to feel attractive but is also afraid to attract. Such a conflict within oneself, a conflict I know is reciprocated by other people but that I haven’t really heard from anyone else.

This topic is such a whirling vortex for me, there is so much depth to where the fears have come from, how they express themselves, the different cycles where they have been experienced. I do know a lot of my identity has formed around this fear though.

To attempt to simplify it… attracting the attention of men would result in there being an expectation for me to reciprocate that attention and the assumption that I would want to. This would lead to me being the 'people pleaser' and doing something I didn’t desire to do and my body didn’t want me to do. I would overlook my intuition, the warning signs, and only do it for the other person OR assume that because I was placed in this situation it must mean I was meant to allow it and explore it. In response to me not listening to my body guess what has occured… well… physically I have ongoing symptoms that cause me discomfort and haven't shifted with any treatments from various practitioners…. But also.. alas… comes the subconscious armor and protection. The symptoms act as a physical barrier to intimate interactions. I now have become naive to the advances and displays of attraction from men, numbed myself from feeling attracted to men, and have my lil leo moon meowling because she isn't attracting anyone and is therefore not feeling attractive. CAN YOU SEE THE CYCLE HERE?!?! And it all comes back to not listening to my body and intuition and making myself small.

So. after that rant, what have I taken from this?

💥LISTEN TO MY BODY. My intuition! My desires! My pleasures! I don’t need to ‘people please’, and I don’t need to be aloof about what I experience. If it doesn’t feel good… DON’T DO IT.

💥 I don’t need to be intimidated by the sexual masculine. He can find me attractive if he wishes, but I don’t need to shrink in that. I AM ATTRACTIVE. I am sensual and beautiful and powerful and I deserve to feel that way and completely embody it without being attached to what others may think or feel about it. If someone’s approach don’t feel good or it makes me uncomfortable I can speak up about that! I can so no. If i feel it across a space I can choose to disconnect from it.

The heavy armor can come off now. My divine priestess can shine through. I can listen to and trust my body. I can be clear with who I want to be, and who I want to become.

I know it has taken some time for this to be ready to reflect upon, digest and come to awareness… for the puppet master who has been pulling the string to finally have his subconscious strings revealed. It has taken practice of these experiences to learn the feelings, to discern what they mean. It has taken being vulnerable and trusting in the unknown and the scary. It has taken an approach of self nurturing instead of guilt, shame and anger to hold myself through these important and scary experiences. I am grateful to myself for holding a gentle space through this self discovery. To know that even though I didn't show up like I wanted to at that moment, and I fell into the cycle and conditioning of becoming small again, I became stronger every time the cycle repeated, I stood up for myself that little bit more, I reflected and took back more of myself that little. Bit. more. 

Even with this new epiphany I know it is still going to take some practice to master the women this integration has inspired me to be. The universe will gift me rehearsals, repeats on the same cyclic experience so I can perfect it, knowing I am safe in it.I will still have moments of being frustrated and annoyed at myself, sad and angry, afraid and overwhelmed. But I KNOW I can do this, and the universe and the amazing people in my life have my back.

It feels quite vulnerable sharing this. But even IN this I trust every word that has come out of my mouth with the intention for it to be shared. For it to touch others and remind you of your own power.

If you feel you are caught in the same cycle please know you are safe to reach out and connect, either physically or energetically. If you feel you can offer support and empowerment by sharing your own experiences and power please do. We grow from each other 🥰

Love and Light Always

Jacki 🌿